Its been some time now since Chad passed away. I think of you everyday, wondering if its easier to get out of bed, or easier to accept that he is gone. Is it? It is not easier for me to think of you without him because I know he really brought joy into your life.
When I found out I couldn't help but be a little mad at God. As a religious person who believes in heaven and life after death, it should have made more sense to me. I should have been comforted knowing that he suffered no longer and was in a beautiful place that we can't even comprehend. But....I felt no comfort. I felt like you were robbed of so many years of memories and it wasn't right. I cried a lot. I knew that Chad was in a good place, but I felt so helpless as a friend who could never really understand what you were going through.
I think that if I were going through this, I would hope that people would change their ways of thinking. I would hope that people who love each other would stop being quick to judge each other. I would hope they would say 'I love you' more often, share more embraces, forgive instantly and not let a single second of their lives go un-cherished. I would hope they would see how short life can be and that they would fill it to the brim with good things...things that count.
I will never understand why you had to go through this. I know each person is given trials to overcome. Yours is one of the hardest I have ever known. We go through life with a big check list, happily checking off our life accomplishments. Graduate college..check. Buy a house... check. Marry the man of your dreams...check. Get pregnant with your first baby....check. Lose your husband was never meant to be on that list and so you have to write it in under 'other' and it almost seems like you have to start all over with your list. It's just not fair.
So, I hope you let all those who love you pull you through this. Let all of us give you the strength you will need to borrow for however long you need it. Let God work miracles in your life through your family, friends and your baby girl. I know you will have many more joys to come even though right now it might seem really distant. And if you can't find anything to celebrate right now, just find happiness in knowing... you knew real love, and that is a true true blessing.
With all my love,